Journal Entry 23: Light that touches the soul.

Jesus, if you’re not in it, I don’t want it.

Journal Entry 23: Light that touches the soul.

I had another article in mind this week, but a song postponed that article for this one I’ve written below.

Ever had a song, movie, poem, painting or even a moment in a piece of clip art or video game story catch your heart and make you pause? I have. These moments are time stoppers for me. Not that I stop time, that would be interesting, but that I pause while time moves around me. These moments, these pieces of expressive art, act like warm light inviting me to see beyond the darkness that seems to keep rallying around me in this broken world.

The most recent piece of art is a song by Katy Nichole, ‘When I Fall.’ https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=9iWI6L4ha8E&si=QE2yHwhY1EuMdHBU. The song rolls off like prayer expressed by a singer with an amazing voice. ‘When I Fall’ is deep words of emotion and need, and just . . . wow’s me with the beauty flowing within the lyrics. She’s calling for help, she’s tired, she’s prayed, she’s in NEED of God, and that, I can relate to. Jesus knows I need him.

I’m trying to understand the bible. There’s so much to take in, the history and culture of the time is a college degree alone, and I am struggling. Throw me in this world, Jesus, and I am trying to swim but I feel like I’m close to drowning several times a week. This battle just doesn’t end. I need you Jesus. I’ve said my prayers, I’ve begged, cried, and I feel the fatigue on my soul. I cry out to you, and thank you, Jesus, you love me despite my weakness. I’m thankful you, Jesus, catch me when I fall. Like Peter when he began to sink in the waters for lack of faith, Jesus reached out and pulled Peter back up so he wouldn’t drown. That’s how I feel, and I need Jesus’ hand to catch me and pull me back up.

Last week, scrolling through my wife’s TikTok feed looking for something to make me laugh, I almost turned the phone off and tossed it on the desk. Then Christian moments of TikTok skits started popping up. I hadn’t started the feed looking for such, but some of them made me stop and watch them and I found I enjoyed them. Then, like a moment with Jesus, a TikTok rolled up with a slow reveal of a painting that stunned me in my seat for several minutes. Time moved around me.

The artist had painted a picture that I doubt I’m allowed to use on here due to copyright and such, but the painting was heart achingly good. The view is from under water looking up to a blurry Jesus with a perfectly visible hand pushed through the water towards you to help lift you up. I felt like the painting was there for me, like God knew I needed to see that painting. Something about water and wind moves me. I love them, and find myself becoming a child when around water or strong winds. Seeing that painting of Jesus standing on water, his hand breaking through to rescue me, pierced my heart with warm, loving, light.

John Eldredge, perhaps my favorite Christian author, wrote the book ‘A Beautiful Outlaw.’ I’ve mentioned it before, I think, I’m pretty sure. This book is filled with beautiful moments, but one will always be my favorite. The scene takes place on the beach with Jesus calling to his disciples, his friends, to ask how the fishing was going. Jesus just defeated death, he’s won the keys and rescued us, and yet, he’s stopping off at the beach to ask how the fishing is going not even telling the others who he is yet. It’s, as Eldredge puts it, playful.

Jesus ends up greeting his friends on the beach after they hall in their boat of 153 large fish. The defeater of death, the king of kings, Jesus, sits down to a fish roast with his friends on the beach like it was any good day to share a meal. This scene that I have not done justice, Eldredge does a much better job, warms my heart and aches against my soul’s desires. I want to sit with Jesus on a beach and laugh. I want to hear him and share a meal with him. I WANT this, and I hope to have it someday. Not because I’m worthy, but because, Jesus loves me.

These moments that touch my soul are reasons why I write. They are the main reason I started this journal. I want to give moments like I have received.

Lord, please, help me now. I want to hold Jesus’ hand and walk the clouds. Let the calmness of water surround me and the magic of God’s creation be revealed to me. May I one day get to share a cup of wine with Jesus, and hear about the wild stories of those before me. I don’t know what eternity holds, but I am invited. You are invited, and Jesus is the way there. We’re not expected to be perfect. Katy’s song, the one that’s been playing the entire time I write this article, is a good example of how imperfect we are and how much we need Jesus. Jesus loves us, and he’ll be there with us if we just ask. I may be a bit silly with the walking on clouds bit and more, but Jesus loves us and wants to share in his father’s creation with us.

I don’t feel loved all the time. There are moments where I feel alone, forgotten. Sometimes my doubts pour over me trying to squash out my hope and faith that Jesus cares about someone like me. All this is foolishness, but here in this broken world and my mortal body I fall for that foolishness sometimes. This is why moments of art that reach for me, like this song ‘When I Fall,’ means so much to me. It’s why I had to share this article tonight; because, I know we all have those moments of pain and doubt. We need lights in the dark, and this song, well, it’s a warm, beautiful, light in my darkness today. I hope it is for you too.

Trust that Jesus loves you, and know that he will catch you when you fall.