Journal Entry 11: Christianity is an Internal Battle

Jesus, if you’re not in it; I don’t want it.

Journal Entry 11: Christianity is an Internal Battle

The battle for one’s soul is an internal one first, and only shows outwardly after the battle’s outcome has been decided.

What was one of the hardest things about Christianity for me to grasp? The internal struggles that I can’t physically see or fight off.

What’s still difficult for me to do? Fight internal battles over my soul and everything that seems to want to help me fail. Thankfully I have Jesus, and he is the best comrade we could ever have.

When it comes to internal battles, what I am talking about is the desire to do good, show love, give forgiveness, practice humility without pride, and so on. Things that are holy do not come to us naturally. A glance at the history of God’s people, the Israelites, in the bible show just how annoyingly easy it is for us to do everything evil even when God himself is leading us. We’re not the best people, and we can look at our world and know that we’re not the best people.

The internal struggle is real and we really don’t do well at it. There is some reason why that is though. We’re out numbered for one. Within our internal struggles we face our own sinful selves, the sinful shouts of a broken/sinful world, and the constant, strategic, whispers of our enemies (demons/fallen angels.) If you’re not saved, you don’t even get the blessing of a new/good heart filled with the Holy Spirit. We need Jesus in this, and there’s little hope of getting through the battles without him.

Jesus, once he becomes your king and savior, is there for every battle along with the Holy Spirit. Once saved the Holy Spirit takes up residence in your new heart. Being saved grants you a new battlefield, your heart, The Holy Spirit, forgiveness, and grace by Jesus Christ. This can greatly help turn the battles back to your favor, but they are still battles that will come almost constantly. But I may want to stop here, and actually set up the understanding of internal battles a little bit; before I shoot off with examples and my own experiences.

What is internal battles?

There’s a quote from the movie “Kingdom of Heaven” that I’ll borrow here.

“I put no stock in religion. By the word religion I have seen the lunacy of fanatics of every denomination be called the will of god. Holiness is in right action, and courage on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves, and goodness. What God desires is here [mind] and here [heart] and what you decide to do every day will make you a good man...or not.”
― William Monahan, Kingdom of Heaven: The Making of the Ridley Scott Epic

To me this is about as close to internal struggles as I could hope to define it for myself. Each day, we wake up, and we decide through multiple actions spanning the entire waking hours, to do good or not. Do you start your day with Jesus or social media? When you have the chance to help someone with a lane change, holding a door, a cup of coffee, even something as simple as a kind smile, do you? When that beautiful woman or handsome man that works in the same department or lives a couple houses down undoubtedly comes into view do you think of them in thoughts of adultery? It's difficult to take each moment of every day and do the right thing. I know this; because, I’m human and the battle is happening for all of us.

This battle isn’t getting any easier with time either. Even if you’re Christian and you have The Holy Spirit in your new heart, we live in an age where the world is changing to an ‘open mindedness’ that has churches and its individuals scrambling. Without falling into a tangent I’ll just say here that both sides, Christian and all others, are up and down on what is good or bad. (I just deleted several tangents worth of writing that I don’t want to fall into. There’s plenty on social media already.)

What I want to point out in this article is the fight within ourselves to do good or to not. If you don’t know what is good, read the four gospels within the Bible. Jesus is a great leader in this area, and if you can get through the four gospels continue on to see how Jesus’ apostles live their lives. Paul, a favorite amongst the apostles, lives a life of almost complete servitude of Jesus and those around him. I’m not about to say I’m that extreme. I’m far from it. I work five days a week, spend a chunk of my off time with my family, and spend maybe an hour or two a day focused on Jesus. I want to do better, but I’m not going to pretend to live a fake holy life. What good would that do anyone? My guess is it wouldn’t help at all.

Good, is God. To better know what God wants of us, search out the truth in his word the Bible. Even the Old Testament ways show the rules and expectations. I only warn to understand these were times; before, Jesus came and became the ultimate sacrifice. Note: You don’t have to kill any animals and sprinkle their blood over you. Jesus already did this for us as the ultimate sacrifice. You need Jesus now, not a cow.

EXAMPLE TIME (Personal experiences included; because, that’s what I know best, my own story.)

Example1:

Wife and I go to pick up my 16yr old from his job one night while our sister watches the kids. Heading home we stop by an open, carry it out to you, style coffee drive-in. My wife comments on a young woman’s booty hanging out of her shorts, and in less than a second this is what follows.

My muscle reaction wants to turn to see said booty. My thoughts shout at me, ‘NO, you’re trying to be a better man than that.’ (Jesus and the Holy Spirit are huge helps here.) My lustful and curious side wants to look. In a second’s time, I have had a battle, and this time I won it. I didn’t look.

Waiting on our order to come out the young woman walks passed our vehicle to the next car over. I’m in the passenger seat, wife’s driving, and the battle happens all over again. Look, or don’t look. I lost this battle. I looked. I looked over to see this young woman’s booty that had my own wife commenting, and I saw myself in the side mirror. I laughed out loud at myself and Jesus’ good humor/timing. We were parked in a way that the passenger side mirror perfectly blocked the lower half of the young woman and left me looking at myself. “Nice one, Jesus.” I said; while, staring at myself in the mirror and laughing.

NOTE: This story is more or less harmless and funny, but look at how fast these little battles happened.

Example2:

Training at Krav Maga class last night I was weak, tired, and been fighting some sickness that was giving me a headache, turning my stomach, and leaving me dead tired all day. I still went to Krav class with my youngest boy, Ryder, to be there with him and in hopes that the training would knock out what was going on with me. In the past I’ve did some cardio workouts and they magically got rid of headaches and made me feel better. I was hoping the same would happen at Krav class. It didn’t.

Sparring with my partner that night I was sweating a bathtub’s worth, and halfway through class I almost collapsed on the mat. I ended up sitting out for fifteen or twenty minutes focusing on breathing and not collapsing. I was struggling, and I was hit with an internal battle. Of course, now, feeling half dead and sweating rivers, I would have a voice in my head calling me weak.

The whispers came ‘I’m pathetic, I should just quit and save myself the embarrassment. I let my partner down, I let my son down by walking off the mat, I wasn’t worthy.’ All this hit me like a truck, and I was not in any condition to deal with it, but the enemy will take that moment to nail us to the floor. I’ve fought insecurity most of my life as a scrawny kid with glasses as big as my head being most of the reason. This is familiar ground for me, and the enemy knows this.

I got back up, after some rest, and I finished the last twenty minutes of class, barely, but I did finish. It felt good to finish, but I couldn’t shake off the shameful feeling. It’s the next day, and I was still fighting the shameful feelings until finally I stopped, called on Jesus and dealt with the shame. The battle was pulling me into a depression that I knew was dangerous territory for me. Finally, with Jesus, I dealt with the issue of my own self-doubt.

1.    I’m new to class

2.    I’m untrained

3.    I’m not giving up.

4.    Everyone starts somewhere

5.    I had a rough night, I’ll have more, but I’m going to keep going and keep fighting

6.    I’ll improve.

This is all with Jesus, and we summed it up with ‘why am I going? Why do I care?’ The answer came to me almost surprisingly. I want to be humbled, pushed, and then strengthened into a better man.

‘Well,’ Jesus said with what I pictured was with a kind, big, smile like a friend with a joke. ‘You got humbled, and then you got back up and kept going.’

These are two examples of different natures that have happened to me in the last couple of days. Each one is targeted. The first was at my weakness for beauty which will turn lust if I let it. The second was more dangerous for me; because, if I’d not called on Jesus to help me I could have been pulled into a depressive state. If the enemy can get me into a self-doubting, depressive state a great deal more damage can be done with further attacks.

These attacks happen all the time.

 A continues one that I struggle with is providing for my family. Rainy and I were rearranging the living room for our newborn nephew who lives with us and our own baby on the way. We use a playpen, safe area for babies to play and grow, but it takes up some space. We were working on that living room for hours, but we got. During the moving and rearranging, and afterwards, I kept hearing whispers. ‘Why can’t you afford a bigger house? Why can’t you build another room? Why are you still here?’ I didn’t wait to fight these on my own. I was already dealing with shame from the Krav class. I quietly asked for Jesus. He shut these down rather quickly, as this home we’re in has been a blessing from the founding of it up to now.

Let’s sum this up: Internal battles are normal. Do not feel down, because you’re dealing with an internal battle. We all are, everyday. It’s exhausting, and sometimes you just want to give in. I get it. Don’t give up. Don’t stop fighting and resisting the devil. The more we fight, the more we lean on Jesus and call out in his name for help, the better warriors of God we will become. If you mess up, if you lose a battle, ask for forgiveness, and keep moving forward with Jesus.