Journal Entry 10: I Didn’t Expect That

Jesus, if you’re not in it; I don’t want it.

Journal Entry 10: I Didn’t Expect That

I need coffee. I’ll be right back.

I’m lost on what to write about, so I’m going to just start with saying things have been kinda steady. Sometimes, life is just another day and maybe I’ve missed something, but not much has happened. I did join Krav Maga with my two boys, and I discovered, again, that I’m aging.

Martial Arts is, well, an art. There are unique forms, standard blocks, kicks, punches and so forth. Our teacher, Chappie (nick name), told us our last class that the other martial classes are playing chest. They’re playing a violent game of chest but it’s chest. Krav Maga is a self defense class. We’re here to learn how to survive. I believe him. I’ve come home soar for the last two weeks, bruised, and limping, but it feels good to this old man! I recommend a class for anyone wanting a good challenge that pushes them and makes their bodies wake up. Warning, though, it does hurt.

Going to a grill-out tomorrow at a cousin’s. We’re all kind of reconnecting and rebuilding, and I like it. I don’t socialize very much. My life is busy and filled with family, so my free time is spent with them and whatever needs fixing. This weekend, if I can find oil filters to fit my wives SUV (local store was out), I have to change the oil in our cars. It’s a simple fix, but it feels good to do it. There’s a pleasure in getting your hands dirty taking care of your own machines.

Grilling out, it’s a lost enjoyment I’m slowly getting back. Out of the blue my cousin texted me wanting to hang out and get back some of our comradery from our younger years. I’m glad he did. Life, marriage and kids, careers, can take a chunk out of your time, and before I realized it I hadn’t hung out with my cousin (once upon a time best friend) in almost 5/6 years. That’s a long time. I really need to work on my social skills. I can fall into taking care of my bubble of a family and completely forget about the outside world. A problem of mine that needs fixing.

Still studying for the CompTIA A+ exam in hopes of passing it by the end of this year. I’m giving myself plenty of time to study; because I’m also trying to push my writing, work on a new story, and part of my studying is gaining Google IT certs along the way. I just got one a week ago, and I’m working on my second one. Figure I might as well study for my CompTIA exam; while, earning other smaller, less noticed but still something, certifications from Google. The more I dive into the topic with YouTube, Mike Myers study guide, audible, and Google, the more my confidence in the field grows. The messed-up part is that I’m still hoping Jesus blesses my writing path and let’s me chase that path in earnest. I’d much rather be writing than running around as an IT support tech.

There is something pressing I can bring up that is bothering me lately. My eyes keep grazing over beautiful women. It’s not something I want to do. I don’t want to do it. I want to keep growing closer to Jesus, and sin is a sure fire way for me to mess that up. Noticing beauty, from a tree, sky, wolf, or female is not a sin. Don’t leave here thinking that. But we’re all different, we all have weaknesses, and mine is a wondering mind with certain beauties. I had to force myself to give up porn because of this weakness.

Where someone may watch porn once, twice, and move on with their lives. I was falling into watching it almost every night when I went to bed. I was addicted. This was horrible enough, but the addiction continued even after I was married. It slowed down, greatly, but it was still there even though there was a beautiful woman living with me 24/7 with God’s blessing in our marriage and in our bed. Sadly, I do mean sadly, it took me years to finally stop. I started a prayer journal with one purpose in mind, getting a more real, closer, relationship with Jesus. No lies to myself and I can’t lie to Jesus (he knows). I had to face the fact that even though I’d slowed way down I was still, eventually, going back to my addiction. I decided, clinging to Jesus to help me, to give it up entirely. I have, so far, and I hope to be rid of it entirely, but . . . my eyes are wondering upon female beauty.

I have been telling myself ‘resist the devil, and he will flee.’ I would ask Jesus to help me, and the wondering stops. It starts up again eventually, and I have to repeat the process. This isn’t fun, and I hope to get over this like I was just a week ago. I was moving through the days and nights with no problem. My eyes noticed beauty but my mind didn’t do anything with it. Lately that’s not the case, and I’m having to run to Jesus to help me move on and not stumble backwards. The only remedy I got for this that I can share with anyone dealing with the same thing is run to Jesus. I run to Jesus each time, reminding me that if I resist the devil he will flee, with Jesus’ help. Works thus far, and I’m going to keep running to Jesus every time.

Admitting this weakness in me is . . . not freeing or relieving. It’s shameful, somewhat scary, and annoying that it’s popping back into my life again after I thought I got rid of it. I also know that I’m supposed to be writing these journals as a help to others and an example of an ordinary, everyday, Christian. Withholding my struggles wouldn’t be of much help and would leave for yet another false testimony. So, even though I didn’t plan on going down this road tonight, here we are. Porn, lust, is a real weakness a real thing you can get addicted to. I have faced this foolishness for a good bit of my life and only got out of the cycle thanks to Jesus.

Addiction is a real pain in the neck. I have friends and family that have died from addictions of alcohol and drugs. There are a plenty of failed marriages due to drugs and alcohol and lust added to selfishness or excuses only you yourself would believe. Turn to Jesus. If we’re going to survive addictions (alcohol almost took me after my failed marriage and insane battle against life as a single father of five kids.) We must turn to Jesus. I enjoy beauty. Part of me is an artist that can admire beauty of many forms. A piece of that has been corrupted by lust and insecurity that turned to porn. Another addiction that I have turned to Jesus for help. Jesus hasn’t let me down. The fight has been just that, a fight, but Jesus keeps tagging in to help and I am thankful I can and do call on him.

Go to Jesus. Then go to Jesus again. Later, go to Jesus yet again. Jesus is the only sure fire way I know how to survive, so I keep going to him.

NOTE: This random Friday article started out with no idea what to write about and has ended with me sharing my struggles in a real way. Goes to show, start writing, and see where Jesus leads you. Hopefully this helps some of you out there. I start these articles with ‘Jesus, if you’re not in it; I don’t want it.’ This is my prayer to Jesus, my way of focusing on Jesus before I even begin writing. Focus on Jesus, go to him, and count on Jesus for help.