Journal Entry 3: God Leads. We Trust.
Jesus, if you’re not in it; I don’t want it.
Journal Entry 3: God Leads, We Trust.
Note: I’ve been back and forth with this journal entry between starting it early morning, work, listening to ‘Fathered by God’ by John Eldredge, and now back home typing it up. This is probably typical for any journal entry you read from me, but I wanted to give a reason for the change in the journal that will show up.
I just want a trail to follow. Jesus, please, show me your footprints, so I can know which directions to go, what turns to take, what dead ends to avoid. I’m pulling this kind of analogy from a book I turned to this morning on my Audible library. I love to have a book in my hands, but life and work make Audible a choice that allows me to research and enjoy SO many more books than I’d otherwise have time for. ‘Fathered by God’ is a book that grabbed my attention this morning; because, I have been struggling lately with what to do with my life. I have a question I’ve been asking Jesus for months now, maybe over a year, and this morning I was mentally spent on what to do and I needed Jesus to say something.
Eighteen years in a daycare that has proven my blessing over and over again; I’m finally, I think, ready to move on. As an early on family man with little money the daycare helped us with free daycare and a job. Later, as a single father with even less money, the daycare was Jesus’ way of saving my hide and allowing my kids to have dad around and the lights on. I met my beautiful, Jesus loving, wife at this daycare and she has certainly been a blessing. All my kids, except my youngest two, have grown up in this daycare. The daycare is part of my family, but, but-but-but, it’s a dead end job with nowhere else for me to climb.
My current income, and no more need for free daycare, is falling behind the rising prices of, well, everything in America. Inflation is hurting most of us, I think. I need to bring in a higher paycheck, yet I don’t want to lose what I have with my family. I’m home before school lets out, I’m off on weekends, no Holidays required, and I get paid for those Holidays off. Not a bad deal yet I’ve budgeted for just about everything down to a point where there’s little left I can change. So, the question before me is, what do I do next, Jesus?
This is where footprints along the right trail would come in handy. I’m one of those guys that likes a big sign, maybe some blinking lights and beeping sounds, to make sure I know what direction to go. How nice it would be, if Jesus just told me.
“Go back to school,” difficult in my family situation, but ok I’ll make it happen.
“Build upon your master’s in Information Systems,” bored and boring but sure. There’s plenty of money to be had in that field and I’m already decently ready for the CompTIA exams for A+ and Networking.
“Start a trade skill in a field of interest,” I like electrical work, construction/woodwork, plumbing, and mechanical work, but I’m also 41 and not getting any younger.
“Remain in the daycare and concentrate on your business with Rainy; while, working on your writing.” This path, if I’m truthful, scares me. What if we don’t make it? Fear, as I should not let it control me, especially as a man of God, but I am afraid.
Fear is all over this decision, and I came to recognize this as I was writing the pen draft earlier this morning. The truth of the situation I am dealing with is that I’m living in fear. I don’t want to fail Jesus or my family or myself.
1. I want to be a light in the dark for Jesus. There is no greater calling than a relationship with Jesus and telling others of Jesus.
2. Any loving father and husband doesn’t want to fail his family. This family has relied on me and Jesus its whole existence, and thankfully Jesus hasn’t failed us where I have certainly stumbled plenty.
3. Fear, selfishness too maybe, where I don’t want to end up like my parents. Mom was a part-time cashier at a grocery store with credit card debt stacked up; because, she was struggling to survive on the tiny pay she had. My dad, love him, is retired with a failing body, and can’t work anymore after putting decades in as a Master Technician for Ford. I don’t want that future.
At the end of the day, or half of the day, my heart changed on this whole topic. I was listening to ‘Fathered by God’ on my phone at work today, and so much wisdom poured into my kitchen. Jesus can come to us in many ways, and today Jesus put a good book on for me. I was listening to a good novel by Brandon Sanderson, and will return to it, but I needed something else, and Jesus knew it. Looking back at this writing I can say without doubt my struggles are based entirely on fear and a desire for me to take control of my future instead of letting Jesus lead.
Searching for a career change isn’t a bad thing. I may still search for a more fulfilling job. I haven’t decided yet. What I do know is I need to rely on Jesus instead of myself. I need to trust in Jesus instead of myself. The start of this anxiety and frustration is me not having faith in my Father who loves me. God, The Father, has proven to me in so many ways that he’s got me, and I need to trust that he’s still got me.
A gun was pointed at my head, trigger pulled over and over, and the last pull my friend turned to face the wall and shot a hole through it. Jesus got me.
Went around God’s path and got my former Hispanic beauty pregnant, joined in a relationship that was far from God, and ended up a single father of five children. Prayed to Jesus to help me, and I would rely on him. Never missed another bill and the kids never missed a meal. Jesus got me.
Use to think there was no-one out there for me and I was going to be alone with my group of kids for the rest of my life. I’m now married to a South American beauty moved to the states. She’s a Christian, her parents are children’s pastors, and we’ve been blessed with more children. Jesus got me.
In my life the roads have not been easy. Life is hard, and that’s not going to change. God does some of his best teachings when things are at their worst. I have grown to be a better man after Jesus’ heart, because of the hard times and struggles Jesus and I have been through together. To be blunt about myself, I need to stop fearing that the God who loves me is suddenly going to drop me and fail to care for me and those he’s blessed me with.
I may or may not stay at the daycare, but I have no doubt it has been a blessing to my family. Thank you, Jesus.
What should I do, well, I’m going to keep writing and I’m going to keep working on our family business. These things are part of our faith walk, part of being a light in the dark, and giving up on them seems like a lack of faith. I don’t want to let fear push me back. I want Jesus, faith in him, to push me forward.
At the end of this journal entry, I can tell you little more than what the title says. God leads. Let him lead. We trust, something I’m working on, clearly still working on. We need to trust in God and keep building on our relationship with Jesus.
Sorry if this is not a clear answer to the situation. I don’t have one besides faith and trust in Jesus. This is where my heart needs to be, but it isn’t an answer to moving forward. I didn’t start these journal entries to give hardcore answers. I started it to show you the life of an everyday Christian and how it looks in reality. Christians, we struggle, life is still difficult, and we fight the fight like everyone else. The biggest difference, we run to Jesus, we kneel before him, and we hope within him. Jesus has made major moves in my life that are blessings, and I am thankful. I honestly wouldn’t want to do this without him.
Hopefully this journal entry helps. You’re not alone in life battles, life choices. We’re all facing them within our own unique situations. Hopefully, you’re facing them with Jesus.