Journal Entry 4: Simple, Complicated, Blessing.

Jesus, if you’re not in it; I don’t want it.

Journal Entry 4: Simple, Complicated, Blessing.

Every man, every woman, has their rough day that we hope doesn’t roll into weeks. I’ve been rolling in the deep for a little bit now myself. Life is not something that is meant to be easy. I know this. For me and my strife it is a need to trust God on one side, a fear of failing my family on the other. The sad fact about it is I have no reason to doubt God. Yet, I am afraid that I will fail God. Failing God, I will fail my family and myself. This . . . fear, plagues me lately and I’m struggling to overcome it. Yet, sunlight pierces my deepness in such simple, complicated, blessings.

Children are beautiful, stressful, wonderful, insane, charming, mean, kind, selfish like no other, giving like no other, amazing blessings from God. There is no other person on this planet that can make me go insane with frustration and fear, yet, yet!, this same child can heal me as if Jesus was in the room casting out demons and darkness. I came home today, head loaded with stress, and in my living room were three little girls who had just got their hair done by their aunt Titi. Any parent of little girls knows the scenario well.

Arena, almost three, was in her white, rose, dress, a curl of hair hanging off the side with ringlets down the back from several tight braids. She looked at me, big eyes on mine, and she waited for my response.

“You’re SO beautiful!” I meant it. The girl is going to break hearts. She lit up with a full smile, eyes sparkling, and she threw her hands out for me to have the ‘privilege’ of lifting her up in a bear hug.

“Umm, babe,” my wife, Rainy, pointed to our one-year-old who also had her hair, usually an afro of curls, combed out and braided into a top curl with flowing curls in the back. Syl was at my knee, chubby cheeks curled in a big, baby-only-style, smile.

“You’re SO beautiful!” I dropped down to hug her. She giggled, kicked her feet in some stomping/dance moves, and giggled more. All the time her smile never lowering a fraction.

Our, Rose, almost five, had her hair pulled back with two, what I always call warrior braids, going down either side and back with the rest of her hair in a tight ponytail. Rose is our ripped one, girl came out with muscles and the energy level to make a powerplant jealous. “You are SO beautiful!” I reached out to hug her, one hand on her head, and she reared back.

All smiles, but serious, Rose told me “don’t touch the hair, dad.” I laughed, pretended I was about to full on hug the top of her head, and she about fell backwards out of her seat. Rose was smiling, laughing, but she was not going to let me mess up her hair before school tomorrow.

Thank you, Jesus, for such simple, yet complicated, blessings as children. My stress almost depression had been erased in that instant. These moments make the hard times, the long fights, worth it. Tomorrow I’m going shopping with Ryder, my 13yr old to get some forging equipment. He wants to learn how to forge his own blades.

Reid, 16, just got his first job. We drove around our hometown from place to place until almost 3 hours later he got himself a job. He’s had a story to tell every night this week after work with a joy to be out there working, earning his way. Raine, my 11-year-old daughter, not Rainy or Rain my wife, is turning into a social butterfly around school and still managing to keep her grades up this year . . . so far . . . please. Raine was my little beast that would roll in the dirt and hammer down a board, but she’s becoming a young lady now with influences from her mom and aunt Titi. I tell myself it’s for the best. She’ll always be my little cowgirl.

My two oldest girls are out the house fighting that real adult life. I pray for them both. I know that fight. The oldest has started a new job, got two girls to care for, and the dad’s out of the picture. Sadly, some men, and some women, run out on their kids. Hopefully she’ll find a good man; that, doesn’t crumple under real responsibility. Her younger sister, my 19yr old is a new mom, studying to be a nurse, and about to buy her first home with her man. They jumped quick, but so far they’re doing alright. I tell her man to stay strong and pray, he’s with a stubborn one.

Eight kids, another on the way, we’re a mixed bunch of chaos but we have each other. Children, of all ages, so has my experienced shown me, can be wonderful blessings from God. They can also come with a lot of work and stress of their own, but, well, they also by some means of God’s wisdom, can erase pain for a time.

Today my little girls, feeling absolutely beautiful with their hair done, made my day. These children, blessings from God, and their mother, my blessing I didn’t know I could have, is why I fight. God knew I needed someone to fight for, so he filled my house with family. Everyone else in the house is sleeping, and I’m here writing this late into the night, because of them. God, help me, I want others to see what I see, feel what I feel, know what I know. Jesus loves you, he loves me. The fight is hard, the path is long and rarely smooth, but we got Jesus!

‘Speak the Name,’ by: Koryn Hawthorne just started playing on my phone. I love this song, and it fits well into what I’m writing. Jesus’ got me.

As hard as I fight for my family, I am a broken man, a sinner saved. If I will fight for those I love, if I will write this in hopes that’ll help yall and my family, then how much more will Jesus, a perfect man that is not broken and that knows, truly knows, love will fight for you, for me, for us?

“Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?” Luke 11:11-13 KJV Bible.

Deepness threatens to take me, depression feels like it’s knocking on the door, and I pray. God answers simple enough, ‘Trust.’ I look up at my own words above this line I wrote at the start of this page, and I can only say, yes, Jesus. I will trust, God. I will write this journal entry, and I will keep writing this journal. Let you and I see what God does.

“Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.” Jeremiah 33:3 KJV Bible.

‘Highs and Lows’ Rare of Breed. A good song that came on while I was reading over my work; before, I post. Thought I’d add it here. The song goes along with the writing well. Once again, Jesus got me.