Journal Entry 2: Why Did I go to Jesus?

Jesus, if you’re not in it, I don’t want it.

Journal Entry 2: Why Did I Go to Jesus?

Remember Why:

I gave my life to Jesus something around 22 years ago, and I just had a speech by Inky Johnson on YouTube bring me to tears. The video was roughly half an hour long, but he said something that struck me, well he said a lot that struck me, but one that I’ll talk about here is ‘remember why.’ Remember why I went to Jesus to begin with. Funny thing is, though I think of that day once in a while, I hadn’t thought about why I went to him. I went to Jesus to be saved, yes, but what brought me to that point in the first place?

I went to Jesus because of what I was promised, love. I spoke quickly on this in my first journal entry, but again, I hadn’t dug deep in the idea of why. I hadn’t thought about it, and then I sat down with my kids looking for a certain song, and I ended up with preaching from a guy I knew nothing about called Inky Johnson. God gave me what I needed; when I thought I knew what I was looking for. He does that a lot. I went to Jesus because I was in pain, emotional, mental, PAIN.

There’s different types of pain and I knew several of them. That night I was desperate to feel love, to be embraced, to know I mattered. I wanted to pass away to fade away yet I was scared of such a fate. My whole life, all 19 yrs of it at the time, I had struggled with love. My mother hated me. My dad, a good man, wasn’t the hugging, heartful, type. Friends were few and there was something about me that just didn’t connect the way others seemed to do so easily. I felt alone and cold in a way that stabbed at my heart. A feeling I’ve learned isn’t so uncommon. Thankfully, as I failed at life and shamed my family by the age of 16, my dad did something different.

My dad told me he couldn’t raise me. He told me he’d given up on me. He told me he loved me, but that he couldn’t help me. After that, after my heart shattered at the words of a man I loved, he put a bible in my hand. ‘I can’t help you.’ My dad said to me. ‘Maybe he can.’ The moment sounds cruel, and even confusing once I tell you my dad wasn’t saved yet. That moment, more than any other discipline my dad had handed out before then, broke me. I deserved it by many a stupid actions, some my dad still doesn’t know about. This moment broke me, and it was also the moment that began the change in my soul to lead me to cry out to Christ.

I held onto that bible my dad had slapped into my hand, and I slowly began to read the thin sheets of paper inside. Very confusing stuff for a kid that had just dropped out of school and hadn’t found a love for reading just yet. Honestly, I’m still studying that bible, and I’m still learning. Bible is the one book you can read a hundred times, and the next time you’ll learn something else. At 19, still very new to faith and Jesus, I understood one thing that had been taught me and I’d read over and over again, God, Jesus, were supposed to love me.

I needed to be loved. I needed to be loved so badly that I was suffering inside and out. One night, couldn’t nail down the exact date, I cried out to Jesus. I was raw on the inside with my emotions, my desires, I just handed it all to Jesus and begged him to forgive me, to take me as one of his and never let go, to hold tight to me, to fight for me, to LOVE ME! Jesus answered me. He answered me in a way I hadn’t even thought to ask; because, the idea was so foreign to me. Jesus embraced me. I felt arms of power, warmth, protection, joy and just so much, embrace me with love. My breath caught, my heart paused, I was embraced by the Jesus, the God where love comes from.

Why did I go to Jesus that night; because I wanted a relationship with Jesus. I wanted real love, real friendship, real love and comradery with Jesus Christ. The beautiful thing is, Jesus answered.

The years that followed began with a thirst for me to build on that night to build on my relationship with Jesus. Sadly, the years that followed became cloudy real fast. If you think Satan and his fallen aren’t still at war on this world, you’re wrong. It took me too long to realize it, but becoming a Christian is joining in an army that is at war and we are on the front lines. I wasn’t vigilant enough, I didn’t give much to spiritual warfare, and I was taken out.

My thirst for faith turned to a thirst for a Hispanic beauty that soon replaced my thoughts of Jesus with thoughts of selfish delights. I told myself she was sent to me by God. There were so many red flags the people around me, co-workers, friends, her parents and mine, told me to run. My lust and lack of self confidence (I was and still am a weird one, a geek, and card carrying bookworm) wouldn’t listen to anyone including the whispers upon my heart that was the Jesus I had so desperately wanted. I married that Hispanic beauty, after I’d lost my 24yr old virginity to her, and gotten her pregnant. She was seeing other men at the time, many told me to get a DNA test, but I married her and took on my role as a new father with my pregnant wife and her two daughters 1 and 3.

God, even when you’re a stubborn fool, will keep loving you and fight for you. I know this; because, even though the marriage was a joke for the best drama show, I was blessed with children. God’s word tells us every child is a blessing, and I know for a fact that’s true. The marriage failed, but I’m still a dad of those two girls from other men, and I have six more kids with another on the way.

My Hispanic love/lust failed for several reasons why and don’t think I claim innocents. I was not a man with her, I was not the Christian man she and the kids needed. I didn’t stand up for the kids, I didn’t stand up against her even when she needed me to. Finally, after adultery was a weekend thing for her, I broke. My faith in God was barely worth mentioning, and within 24 hours of telling her to leave or I was leaving; I found myself a single father of 5 kids. The youngest was 6 months old. My Hispanic beauty would disappear for the next two years and only show up once or twice a year after that. I was broke, and somehow, I had five kids looking to me to care for them.

This is the part where I’m supposed to tell you I found Jesus again and we’ve lived happily ever after. Hollywood and some pastors would tell you that’s how it works. In my experience, that’s not at all how it works. I didn’t run back to Jesus. I ran to anger, depression, and alcohol. Alcohol is a family favorite amongst my bloodlines. You see, the sad truth is that we’re all broken sinners and stuck in a sinful world with Satan and his lackies happy to help us stay in the dark with riches or scars. Thankfully, Jesus is a warrior, and he’s used to the frontlines.

One night, drunk on a bottle of tequila (my routine after the kids were down), Jesus broke through the darkness to rescue me. Jesus offered me his hand, his help. I was not promised riches, I was not promised smooth sailing. I was promised it would be rough riding, difficulties, but that I wouldn’t be at it alone. I had a choice, Jesus and a path he had told me would be difficult, or to take another shot of tequila. That night I chose Jesus, again. It was a good choice.

The years to follow were hard. I was a single father for seven years; before, I met Rainy and all my defenses fell to her love. Life is still hard, ups and downs and no riches, but Jesus is still with me and he’s still fighting for me and climbing the mountains with me. The lesson I have had to learn all over again not even a year ago is why I came to Jesus to begin with. I want a relationship with him.

I was driving to work or just got to work, not sure which, but I felt Jesus bluntly ask me, ‘What do you want from me?’ This was after a lot of prayers for help. Help me find a career that isn’t a dead end. Help my business grow. Help me with my kids. Help me with my own faith. Help me with these hard feelings and these hard times. Help, help, help me, Jesus. I believe in keeping prayer real but looking back I was asking for this and that without seeking what I needed. Jesus hit me with the question with such a bluntness that it paused me.

‘What do you want from me?’

I thought about the question, really thought. I felt like my answer mattered, greatly mattered. It dawned on me tonight, my answer to the question was the answer of why I’d gone to Jesus in the first place. I didn’t realize it until tonight after the Inky Johnson speech about why, but there it is. I answered Jesus with what I knew in my heart I wanted over anything and anyone else. I told him what I wanted from him.

“I want your friendship; the friendship that only you can give.”

Now, or for the last few months, I’ve began that thirst for Jesus, that need for a relationship with Jesus over all else like I had begun decades ago. At 19 I’d started my chase after Jesus and got taken out before I was 24. The beautiful thing is that Jesus never stopped fighting for me. He was there in my lustful joke of a marriage. He came in force; before, I lost my children to tequila nights. He stayed with me through the ups and downs of my single parenting and new marriage. In my whining and backsliding he hit me with a blunt question that snapped me awake when he knew it best to do so.

Jesus is a warrior, and thankfully he fights for us.

Inky Johnson Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeT-xtJ0fiQ