Journal Entry 19: Because I Need You.
Jesus, if you’re not in it, I don’t want it.
Journal Entry 19: Because I Need You.
My job is mostly me in a kitchen by myself prepping and cooking up meals. Because of this I’m allowed to listen to my books on audible, which, saves me from a very dull work life. Currently I’m going through Brandon Sanderson’s Stormlite Archive. He recently released book 5, and of course, I have to listen to book 1 – 4 all over again; before I listen to book 5.
Without giving out spoilers, I’m just going to say I was at a part in book 3 where advice was being given by a jovial, spry, old king to one of the main characters. During the part in the book a realization struck me and then came out of me without warning. The old king was giving advice and being kind yet bluntly honest, and a question went through my mind.
- What about this scene tugs so hard on my heart? -
The moment in the book and others like it have pulled on my heart over and over again. These moments, several of them having someone looking after one of the main characters in a fatherly, loving yet not pitying way. My answer came out of my mouth in almost a shout.
“Because I need you, Jesus!” The words came out of my mouth swifter than my mind could think to quiet them. I knew what the moment in the story was doing to me. I wanted Jesus to counsel me, be there for me. One of the main characters was being given counsel by a loving king who understood. My heart craved for that. I wanted Jesus to counsel me in such a way. I still want Jesus’ counsel.
“Because I need you, Jesus!” Those words that I spoke were followed by tears I tried to blink back and mostly failed. In my soul I knew, even if my mind was lagging behind, my soul knew what I needed and what was tugging on me in that part of the story. I need Jesus. I need Jesus to meet me down here in this chaos of life and give me his counsel, because, I rarely know what I am doing and if it is good or foolish.
“Because I need you, Jesus . . .
1. I’m a Christian (sinner saved who’s trying to grow in his relationship with Jesus) who has more than a couple hundred times wondered if this path I’m on is the right one. A life can have, in my experience, an almost endless amount of choices that lead down different directions. From what I’ve seen in my life and the few I’m close enough to comment on, there are also points in our life that seem to define a direction gained and others lost. My life, who I am, am I going the right way?
Over two decades after being saved by Jesus, I’m a dad, happily married to a wonderful woman, and my path is fairly the same with the same purpose. Is that ok, Jesus? Have I missed some work I should be doing in your name? Am I supposed to be upgrading my purpose and wisdom to higher jobs and different areas? Is this path I’m on, one I’ve been on for a long time now by human years, good for you, Jesus? I love being a dad, I love having a good woman at my side, and I only wish we weren’t struggling so often, but our needs are met. Is this good, Jesus?
2. Because I need your wisdom, Jesus. My wife and I are working on building a Christian business that has been an uphill battle with few rewards. Yet, my wife and I have had fun learning and growing with our business together. We try new things, we work out ideas together, and we take the losses together. It’s a unique experience that we wouldn’t of known without trying it. Is this business a good thing? Is this where we should be concentrating our time and money? Will others be blessed by our work? Will this work also bless our own family? Jesus, I need to know if what we’re doing is good. Do you bless our work on this?
3. Because parenting is never black and white; Jesus, tell me what to do. My oldest is struggling but tosses every help she is given into the ditch. Give her a bridge to safety and better places and she’ll burn it down. How do I help her? Prayer, yes, doing that. Talking to her, telling her of you, Jesus. Yes, I’m doing that as well. I feel like I’m losing her and I don’t know what to do. Is this something I just can’t fix, or am I in my foolishness lacking the knowledge to give the right kind of help?
“Because I need you, Jesus!” was a flow of words that pierced my heart and came out in a tearful confession. My heart aches for Jesus to walk into my life with his strength and wisdom and give me fatherly counsel. I would also like to make a note here, as I know I’d need it, please also give me the wisdom to listen and the strength to do what is needed.
There are ways to listen and grow. We have God’s word, and I listen to it, read it, study it. There is understanding in God’s word. I gain a little more each time I go through it. I’m also fond of finding authors like John Eldredge and the books he writes about life with God. Christian music helps as well, though, like anything that isn’t the Bible itself, be careful what you read and listen to. Some music and some books can stray from God’s word, and that’s usually a sign to run in the other direction.
We also have our churches (again, choose wisely, in this as well.) A pastor is supposed to be able to speak with wisdom and teach us about Jesus. Hopefully you’ve got some good friends that believe in Jesus and follow him. Try to confide in them. I have a few of these, and sometimes it’s just a relief to laugh at our struggles together knowing where not the only ones trying to get it right.
I would love for Jesus to show up on a bench by my firepit one night and simply talk until sunrise. The thought brings a smile to my face. I won’t dare say it’s not possible. I’d rather like to think that Jesus is moving in our lives to help us and maybe, just maybe, I will get that conversation someday. Until then, I’m going to keep trying to grow closer to Jesus, gain that real relationship with him. Hopefully, and please, Jesus, help my eyes to see and my ears to hear, so I understand.