Journal Entry 6: I Whine Sometimes
Jesus, if you’re not in it; I don’t want it.
Journal Entry 6: I Whine Sometimes
S-o-o-o I may have come to notice something within my prayer journal and these journal entries that I am going to admit with some reluctance; I can be whiny. Yes, I admit to myself and you, I seem to have a tendency to complain about things. I say this with a bit of a laugh at myself; because, I thought with some confidence, that I was not the type to complain and whine about things. Looking back on my writings and my own thoughts tells me otherwise.
The good news about this whole realization is that Jesus already knows our hearts anyways. If you’re going to speak to Jesus, you should go ahead and speak truthfully. Prayer needs to be real. If you’re going to speak with Jesus, speak the truth. Jesus knows your heart and your desires; he knows you. So, Jesus may hear me whine more than I would like, but at least I know I’m being real.
Next is the question I want to ask myself. Why am I seeing more complaining in my prayers and journaling than, what I hope, is typical?
1. I’m pushing up in the middle years or starting to. This has made me realize that the time to do things is closing. I want to learn trades, travel to see different lands, cultures, and histories. I want to grow my knowledge and understanding of this world and use it to help others. I want to help others in A LOT of many crazy ideas ways. Realizing my age, 41, I have to accept that there are certain things I simply don’t have time for. I was looking to try becoming an electrician or licensed plumber, but the truth is that my body will struggle to keep up with those professions in the next 20 years. I want to travel and see the world, but financially and the fact that my family is so large means I might not make it to more than a few spots if any. Time will tell on this one. End of reason one, why I may be complaining more lately, I’m realizing time is forcing me to choose a route and leave some things behind.
2. Rising cost/inflation has my meager budget crying out for help. My power bill for the last two months has reached a few dollars short of $600 twice in a row. That’s a lot of money for the lights to stay on. Hamburger meat, in my area, is almost $5 a pound; which is twice what it was not even two years ago. In short, my income hasn’t gone up, but the cost of living is shooting up so fast I’m barely making it each month. This is annoying for a man in his 40’s who thought he’d be much better off by now, but, uh, I’m not.
3. Why complain, well, fear built on what I can only call a selfish desire. My wife is pregnant again with our 9th child. I’m excited for my child. We’ve already got names ready for boy or girl. I love being a parent, being a family man. Yet you know a ‘but’ is coming, and it is that, like mentioned above, time and money are running out. Part of me is excited to see how Jesus is going to rescue us this time. The other part of me is tired and worried of just how many more trials await.
I doubt I’m alone on at least one of the things I’ve mentioned above. Word of wisdom from this student of faith is hope. I have, to a degree, looked back on this part of me and met it with prayer and journaling and come to the realization I need to trust Jesus. On my prayer journal I have written on the front page, ‘Trust that Jesus Loves You.’ I read that message on my journal several times a day. My journal is located on my bedside table, so I see the cover every day. ‘Trust that Jesus Loves You.’ He does love us, and he is fighting for us, and I have to remind myself of that often.
Why do I complain; because, I want a better life for myself and my family. In truth, if it was just me, I’d probably fall into some program at church helping others and living like a traveling hermit as often as I could afford it. This is another reason I am thankful I have a family. My family gives me focus. My family also needs me, and I want to be there for them.
My Rose, almost 5, is going to ‘Little Ninjas’ class tomorrow for the first time. She’s a ball of energy and I think the class would do her some good. If she likes it, it’ll cost $100 a month, and my Raine, 11yr. old has already spoken up with an interest in the older Karate classes available. That would be an extra $120 a month. These aren’t bad prices; I’m not complaining about prices. I’m voicing a reason why I complain to Jesus. I want to have the extra income to send my kids to such things without sweating about how I’m going to pay for it. I don’t really have $220 extra dollars to throw at martial arts classes, but I know they would be good for my kids. I grew up in martial arts and it is one of the best sports, by my opinion, for a child to be raised in (with a good teacher.)
Anyone with a family to love and care for can probably relate with the desire I’m mentioning above. It may not be karate classes for your kids, maybe you wish you could take your kids to swim classes, on vacations each year, or even something more practical like good meals every day. We all want something more for our families. Thankfully I have been blessed with enough income and know how to build good meals on the cheap. Being a struggling single parent of 5 kids with little income taught me how to stretch the grocery budget.
Side thought: Maybe I’ll start a string of articles on cheap but good meals. Could be of use to some.
For instance, I’m making jambalaya tomorrow for my family and my cousin’s family that’s coming over to visit. The meal is mostly rice, sausage, a mix of peppers (I like to use sweet and spicy peppers) along with seasonings, garlic, and that’s about it. This is my jambalaya creation, not true Louisiana style. But the cost to feed 14/15 people is under $20. There are meals out there with the help of decent grocery deals, I use Sam’s, that can make good meals for a small amount of money.
I have decided to try and lessen my complaining in effort to 1. Learn to trust Jesus. 2. Truth is I have to make some choices, and then I have to follow up on those choices to make things happen.
Example: I have decided to study for my CompTIA A+ exams. This is a trade skill I already have experience in and I do enjoy. It’s also a trade I can do in my sixties and still bring in a good paycheck. It’s also a skill I can use to help my church in this growing technological age.
Before I go: Don’t stop speaking from your heart in your prayers. Jesus would rather have real words from you than a fake smile and half-truths. Also, don’t forget, no matter how difficult things are, that Jesus loves you. This is hard to understand sometimes, even for me when I’ve been given plenty of reasons to trust and know he loves me. We live in a broken world where love is . . . well it usually comes with strings attached, a dab of selfishness, and sadly tends to end with betrayal. This makes trusting in love difficult. Jesus isn’t a sinner, the devil doesn’t have anything on Jesus, no hold at all. Jesus does love us, more than we understand. So, keep your prayers real and true and keep reminding yourself that Jesus does love you. It’s my plan.