Journal Entry 17: Heart of Battle

Jesus, If you’re not in it, I don’t want it.

Journal Entry 17: Heart of Battle

          We’re in the new year, 2025, and in my journal entries there is a large gap. There’s a great many days skipped in my prayer journal, the Bible study book I’m reading hasn’t seen pages turned in weeks, and this is familiar ground. There is a constant struggle, a battle, going on not just on earth but in our own hearts and minds.

          I want to grow closer to Jesus. This is a decision made, that turns out I have to make every morning I wake and even throughout the day sometimes. Why is it so hard to focus and go after my king, Jesus? Because choosing Jesus is THE decision, THE eternal decision, that satan, our broken Earth, and our own inner sinful nature go against.

          If I decide to play a video game nothing stops me. Well, nothing but a tug on my insides saying there’s more important things to do. When my guard isn’t up my mind will lust like a drug addiction needing a release. Nothing seems to stop it, but that same, now familiar, tug, sometimes a shout, inside me to not go back down that dark path. The world and even in myself is full of desires not of Jesus. And the worst part, a piece of me likes it. I fearfully think just how big of a piece it is.

          Example: I gave up porn entirely almost a year ago, maybe a little longer. I’m happily married to a beautiful woman. We’ve been married for four and a half years. Still, that wicked piece of me, if I let it, would spend hours on porn sites feeding a thirst I know can’t be satisfied. I had to shut it down, walk away, because that thirst wouldn’t stop wanting more. Even after getting remarried and having real sex with a real woman that thirst was still there inside me like a demon refusing to move out. The sin is an addiction, a darkness, that if I were to let it, would have me back and try to drown me all over again. It’s a fight that, thankfully, over time has become a good deal easier to just say no and go on about my day, but it is still a fight.

          I never have such an addictive problem when writing in my prayer journal or reading the Bible. Not once have I had to tell myself, “Greg, you’ve been spending hours in God’s word and writing with Jesus in your prayer journal, it’s time to take a break.” It took a mini argument with myself this morning just to get up and write this journal entry. I write these to help me and to help anyone with life and Jesus. So, of course, it’s a struggle to keep up a routine and get these journal entries out. It’s not for a lack of a topic either. I’ve had this journal topic in my head for weeks. The problem is the battle with ourselves and learning to focus on Jesus and do what is good.

          Right now part of me is like, “well, good job, you wrote out a journal entry in your notebook. Now, go play Ark while the house sleeps and you’ve got some free time.” Problem is if I only write this in my notebook and I don’t type it up and get it out to you all, I’ve failed to send out the help that someone might need. But this is one of the foolish battles within my head that I deal with every day. The enemy doesn’t want us putting truth and hope out into the world about Jesus. I send this journal out, and its light from my own struggles, helps someone else, even on other person, grow closer to Jesus, then it’s worth it. The enemy knows that and hates it, and so, I fight within myself and the world’s distractions to put this journal entry out there.

          The blunt truth, following Jesus is not a one-time decision. To accept Jesus Christ as your Lord, to be saved by him, is the most important, heart changing, beautiful decision you can ever make. Yet, each day you must also choose to follow Jesus, to grow closer to him, to get to know him. I am saved by Jesus. That can’t be taken from me. I belong to Jesus. I have a new heart thanks to Jesus. Yet, my sinful flesh, this sinful world, and the fallen angels/demons of this world will do their best to blind and silence me with anything they can. I must choose to follow Jesus, choose to grow closer to Jesus, each day. It’s a battle, and darkness is a whole lot easier to get swallowed up by.

          I write this to tell those who are struggling like I do, you’re not alone. You’re not weak or pathetic for having to fight back sinful desires and distractions. You’re human. Keep fighting, Jesus is fighting for you, he desires you, and he will not just sit back and let the darkness take you. Jesus, amazingly and thankfully, loves us.