Journal Entry 15: Life With Jesus

Jesus, if you’re not in it, I don’t want it.

Journal Entry 15: Life With Jesus

          Christmas is coming and I’m living on paycheck to paycheck. I have to start putting some money to the side; before, there is no money and let my entire family down. Maybe I could start buying a gift for each child and my wife now, and maybe by Christmas it won’t be so bad. I need to do something. Can I get some side money from a job, maybe?

          My garage/son’s room, has a giant tarp over it.  How much is that going to cost me to fix? These new city code people riding around enforcing city codes on us could be a pain. Do I need permission to improve the roofing over my flat roofed garage? I wonder if I could build a mini office/bedroom over the garage? I have to rebuild the entire roof anyways. We need the extra space. It would be nice. How much would that cost, and how annoying would the city code enforcers be?

          This house is falling apart faster than I can rebuild it. Should we move? Could I find a house big enough to fit my large family? Will there be enough money to pay for another house? I only owe 50K on this home; before, it’s paid off. Should I just stick it out, pay it off and keep building up? I just don’t know.

          Got a chance at an extra job at night, maybe. A cleaning job for our business that could bring in some 2-3k a month, but it would leave me dead on my feet. My wife would have to run the home most of the time without my help. We’ve done that before, and my family began to fall apart. Thanks to circumstances this family looks heavily to me for support on all sides, so me not being available never goes well. The money would help though. God, would it help. Such a choice, money to help get our family out of some debt and give us a chance to breath. Or, keep fighting the good fight we’re fighting and slowly try to climb out of this living paycheck to paycheck.

          Note: I hate how my life is dictated by money. I really do. How nice it would be, if I could have my family and give them a good living without having to sacrifice almost 200 hours a month to work.

          All that written above is just a small part of a long train of thoughts that grinds against my sanity every day. I could go on about the family fighting some cold for the last 4 days, needing to go grocery shopping on a budget, need to see what’s going on with my wife’s car, dogs need more medicine for flees, and so on and so on and so . . . on . . . Life is a beast of a burden sometimes for all of us. I have no illusions about me being the only one fighting these fights. We all fight a similar fight though our train of thoughts will have different freight cars of concerns/difficulties.

          I write this to say, ‘hey, I get it.’ You’re not alone. Life is hard, and it, honestly, is meant to be that way. The moment Eve decided to disobey, and the moment Adam did nothing to stop her or defend her from Satan’s lies, we fell to a hard life. Their sin ruined things for us all, broke the world, and broke the bond between us and God. Thankfully the story didn’t just end there. God fought for us every step of the way even when we failed him each time.

          Jesus came into the world, a being more powerful and more capable than we can imagine. Jesus, the God that hung stars in the heavens, became a human with all our frailties and weaknesses. That’s a level of humble I can’t begin to understand but only gape in awe at. Jesus had to learn to go potty, to tie his sandals, to use a spoon! Jesus came to heaven as a mortal man, and died a mortal man’s death to finally break the curse that man created. The best part, he succeeded. Jesus won.

          Because Jesus loves us so much, he not only won our freedom he deserves our hearts. Jesus loves us, and he is ready and willing to bring you into the family of sinners saved by grace. You don’t have to clean yourself up, you don’t have to worry about becoming pure first. That’s not how this works. Jesus loves you as you are and will take you as you are. Now, he won’t leave you as you are. He won’t let you suffer in your addictions and sinfulness once you’re one of his. Once your life is given over to Jesus, he goes to work on you to make you the better man or woman you can be.

          Life is hard. The fight is long and only seems to come with pockets of rest and laughter along the way. I’m not trying to sell you lies about an easy life, money as you request it, the foolish notion going around of ‘Speak it, and it will come true’ mess that is going around these days. I’m giving you the truth. Life is hard. The fight is long. You don’t have to do it alone. Jesus loves you, right now, where you are, and he will have you.

          Everything I mentioned about the stresses of my life in the beginning of this article hasn’t bent me over and defeated me. I can tell you why; Jesus helps me. I’m not alone. I still have to fight, I still have to work the fields of this life, but it’s a fight where I have the greatest friend/brother/king right beside me getting his hands dirty with me. I know, after years of experience and my own ups and downs, that Jesus is capable despite my own weaknesses.

          Example:

I’m no special man of any means. I work at a church for less than 35k a year in American dollars. If you’re not familiar with America, that’s poor man’s income by our standards. I have a household of 11 people now, about to be 12 in a couple months, and I’m the only one paying the bills and buying the groceries. I have no great skills in carpentry,  plumbing, or mechanics. I have YouTube and Google search; which, has been my go-to for many-a-repairs around here. I’m just a man, ordinary and simple, but I have Jesus.

Years ago, over a decade ago, I was on my bedroom floor enveloped by self-pity and a depression that was becoming suffocating. I was already saved, I’d been saved sense I was 19, but I’d let Jesus become an after thought of no concern of mine. I was divorced, a single father with 5 kids looking to me to care for them on my own, and I was scared. That night, on my bedroom floor, Jesus gave me a choice. I could choose him and fight this life with him. Or, I could let myself be swallowed up by pity and depression until there was nothing left of me.

          The choice was open and honest. I felt Jesus telling me that to choose him would be a hard one. I would be expected to care for those around me, to work hard, fight harder, and somehow keep getting back up after each fall. Yet, Jesus promised me he’d be there every step of the way.

Or, I could choose to fall away from it all, let pity and depression take me, and not fight, not work hard, let others take on my responsibilities and just give up. In that moment I kid you not, I hesitated for half a second maybe longer, but I remember the ease of giving up sounding really tempting.

I chose, and choose again and again, Jesus. Even though everyone thought I would fail, even though I thought I would fail, we’re still here. Jesus, despite my weaknesses, has kept his promise and been with me the entire way. I still don’t know how I got here, all the ends and outs, but here I am with not a bill missed, the house getting closer to being paid off, food in the pantries, and a family twice the size it had been that night I’d chosen Jesus.

I survive these trials of life with Jesus. We all will have fights and hardships in our lives. None of us, if we choose, have to go at it alone. Jesus wants to be with us, he wants to help us. He will not take away the fights and hardships, for those difficulties make us stronger and help us see Jesus’ glory. I can stand up and tell this story; because, I’ve been through the hardships and struggles with Jesus and I’m still here. I can know that Jesus fights with me; because, everything stacked against me, we’re still here and only getting better.

A life of ease teaches little and will not require much faith or reliance on Jesus. A life of ease breeds weakness and laziness. I will not tell you that being a Christian brings easiness and great riches of life comforts. If it does, I haven’t seen it or heard of it in my tiny circle of life. Choosing Jesus, letting him forgive you and then save you, brings you Jesus. With Jesus comes grace, hope, and love that no amount of words would allow me to make you understand fully.

From the words that began this article, you can know that I still have fights ahead of me. I have Jesus, so I know we’ll be ok. I trust that Jesus loves me. I trust that Jesus won’t allow me to fail the loved ones he’s blessed me with. Even if my time comes to go home to Heaven, I trust that Jesus, one way or another, will take care of these that he’s blessed me with to call wife and children. Yes, my life has battles, but more importantly I get to have Jesus on my side for eternity.